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ОГЛАВЛЕНИЕ (список произведений)

Английский шутя.

Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

A shoplifter (магазинный вор) was caught (был пойман) red-handed (на месте преступления: "красноруким, с красными руками") trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store (при попытке украсть наручные часы из эксклюзивного ювелирного магазина; exclusive [?ks?klu:s?v]). "Listen (послушайте)," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either (я знаю, вы также /как и я/ не хотите никаких неприятностей). What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? (что вы скажете — я просто покупаю часы и мы забываем об этом)"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip (менеджер согласился и заполнил бланк с ценой). The crook (воришка) looked at the slip (посмотрел на бланк) and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend (это несколько больше, чем я намеревался потратить). Can you show me something less expensive? (вы не могли бы показать мне что-нибудь менее дорогое)"


A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"


This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?


"But why (но почему)," demanded (спросил) the puzzled judge (сбитый с толку судья) of the burglar (у грабителя) standing before (стоящего перед /ним/), "did you break into (вы влезали в; to break — ломать) the same store three nights running? (один и тот же магазин три ночи подряд; to run — бежать; здесь — следовать)"

"Well, Judge, it's like this (это было так)," was the reply (был ответ). "I picked out a dress for my wife (я взял: «подобрал, подцепил» платье для моей жены; to pick — выбирать, подбирать, отбирать) and I had to change it twice (а затем мне пришлось поменять его дважды)."


"But why," demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did you break into the same store three nights running?"

"Well, Judge, it's like this," was the reply. "I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice."


I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice.


Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson (Шерлок Холмс и его друг Ватсон) were on a camping and hiking trip (были в палаточном походе; to hike — путешествовать, ходить пешком, бродяжничать).

They had gone to bed (они легли спать) and were lying there (и лежали "там") looking up at the sky (смотря /вверх/ на небо).

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? (Ватсон, посмотрите наверх. Что вы видите)"

"Well, I see thousands of stars (я вижу тысячи звезд)."

"And what does that mean to you? (и что это значит, по-вашему, о чем вам это говорит)"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow (мне кажется, это значит, что у нас завтра будет очередной хороший денек). What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent (что кто-то стащил нашу палатку /to steel-stole-stolen — красть/)."


Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."


And what does that mean to you?


On a rural road (на проселочной дороге) a state trooper (конный полицейский) pulled this farmer over (остановил /машину/ фермера) and said: "Sir, do you realize (сэр, вы понимаете /знаете/) your wife fell out of the car several miles back? (что ваша супруга выпала из машины несколько миль "назад" /to fall-fell-fallen — падать/)"

To which the farmer replied (на что фермер ответил), "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf! (слава Богу, я думал, я "стал глухим", оглох)"


On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"


Thank God!


Old farmer Johnson was dying (старый фермер Джонсон умирал). The family was standing around his bed (семья стояла вокруг его постели). With a low voice he said to his wife (тихим голосом он сказал своей жене): "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones (когда я умру, я хочу, чтобы ты вышла за фермера Джонса)."

Wife (жена): "No, I can't marry anyone after you (нет, я не могу выйти ни за кого после тебя)."

Johnson: "But I want you to (но я хочу, чтобы ты это сделала)."

Wife: "But why? (но почему)"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal! (Джонс однажды надул меня при покупке лошади; deal — сделка)"


Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"


But I want you to.


Newly wed wife to her husband (молодая жена своему мужу):

"That is why I can't stand you (вот почему я не могу выносить тебя) - you are so unpredictable (ты такой непредсказуемый; to predict — предсказывать). On Monday you liked the potatoes (в понедельник ты любил картошку), Tuesday (во вторник) you liked the potatoes, Wednesday (в среду) you liked the potatoes, Thursday (в четверг) you said (ты сказал) you loved the potatoes preparation (тебе понравилось приготовление картошки = как она приготовлена), Friday (в пятницу) you liked the potatoes, Saturday (в субботу) you liked the potatoes and now (а сейчас) all of a sudden (вдруг) on Sunday (в воскресенье) you say that you don't like potatoes."


Newly wed wife to her husband:

"That is why I can't stand you — you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."


That is why I can't stand you — you are so unpredictable.


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself (человек в баре видит за столиком приятеля, пьющего в одиночку).

Approaching (подойдя, приблизившись к) the friend he comments (замечает), "You look terrible (ты ужасно выглядишь). What's the problem? (в чем проблема, что случилось)"

"My mother died in August (моя мать умерла в августе)," he said, "and left me (оставила мне) $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough (ого, вот это сурово; taugh — жесткий, плотный, упругий; тяжело)," he replied (ответил).

"Then in September (затем в сентябре)," the friend continued (продолжал), "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months (ух-ты, двое родителей за два месяца). No wonder you're depressed (неудивительно, что ты подавлен)."

"And last month (в прошлом месяце) my aunt (тетя) died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? (три близких члена семьи потеряны за три месяца) How sad (как печально)."

"Then this month (а в этом месяце)," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing! (абсолютно ничего)"


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"


You look terrible. What's the problem?

Gee, that's tough!

No wonder you're depressed.


The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude (пациент пожал руку доктора с благодарностью /to shake-shook-shaken — трясти/) and said (и сказал), "Since we are the best of friends (так как мы лучшие друзья), I would not insult you by offering payment (я не буду обижать вас, предлагая плату). But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will (но я хочу, чтобы вы знали, что я упомянул вас в своем завещании)."

"That is very kind of you (это очень мило с вашей стороны)," said the doctor emotionally (взволнованно, растроганным голосом), and then added (добавил), "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? (можно я посмотрю тот рецепт, что я вам дал только что) I'd like to make a little change… (я бы хотел сделать небольшое изменение)"


The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"


That is very kind of you.


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do (человек сказал своему врачу, что он не может делать) all the things around the house that he used to do (все вещи по дому, которые он раньше делал: «имел обыкновение делать»). When the examination was complete (когда осмотр был завершен), he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it (ну, док, я справлюсь с этим: «я могу взять это»). Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me (скажи мне на ясном английском = открыто, что со мной не так; plain — ясный, понятный; простой; ровный /о местности/; равнина)."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy (ты просто ленивый)."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife (теперь назови мне медицинский термин, чтобы я мог сказать моей жене)."


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


Now, Doc, I can take it.

What is wrong with him?

You're just lazy.


As the doctor completed an examination of the patient (когда доктор закончил осмотр пациента; complete [k?m?pli:t]; patient [?pe??(?)nt]), he said (он сказал), "I can't find a cause for your complaint (я не могу найти причину вашей жалобы; complaint [k?m?ple?nt]). Frankly (откровенно /говоря/), I think it's due to drinking (я думаю, это из-за выпивания; due — должный, обязанный, ожидаемый)."

"In that case (в таком случае)," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober (я вернусь, когда вы будете трезвым, когда протрезвеете)".


As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".


Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.


A patient came to his dentist (пациент пришел к своему дантисту) with problems with his teeth (с проблемами с зубами).

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth (у меня желтые зубы), what do I do? (что мне делать)

Dentist: Wear a brown tie! (носите коричневый галстук; to wear [w??(r)])


A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!


What do I do?


Patient: My hair keeps falling out (мои волосы продолжают выпадать). What can you give me (что вы можете мне дать) to keep it in? (чтобы сохранить их)

Doctor: A shoebox (коробку от ботинок).


Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.


My hair keeps falling out.


Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? (что представляется проблемой)

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling (доктор, у меня постоянно такое чувство: «продолжаю получать чувство») that nobody can hear what I say (что никто не слышит, что я говорю).

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?


Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?


What seems to be the trouble?


Doctor: You're in good health (вы совершенно здоровы: "вы в добром здравии"; health [helO]). You'll live to be eighty (вы доживете до 80).

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now (но доктор, мне сейчас 80).

Doctor: See, what did I tell you (видите, что я вам говорил).


Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


You're in good health.

See, what did I tell you.


Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem (у меня серьезная проблема с памятью; serious [?s?r??s]; memory [?mem?r?]). I can't remember anything! (я ничего не могу запомнить, вспомнить)

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? (так, с какого времени у вас эта проблема)

Patient: What problem? (какая проблема)


Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?


I can't remember anything!


A man, after being hurt (человек, после того, как получил повреждения, травму: to hurt — причинить боль, повредить, ушибить), calls 911 for help (звонит 911 за помощью).

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! (вызовите мне скорую помощь / назовите меня скорой помощью — игра слов: to call — вызывать/называть; ambulance [??mbjul?ns])

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! (вы — скорая помощь)


A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!


Call me an ambulance!


A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes (ударник, уставший от всех шуток про ударников), decides to change his instrument (решает сменить инструмент). After some thought (после некоторого раздумья), he decides on the accordion (он выбирает аккордеон). So he goes to the music store (и он идет в музыкальный магазин) and says to the owner (и говорит хозяину), "I'd like to look at the accordions, please (я хочу взглянуть на аккордеоны, пожалуйста)."

The owner gestures (указывает) to a shelf in the corner (на полку в углу) and says, "All our accordions are over there (все наши аккордеоны вон там)."

After browsing (после беглого рассматривания; browse — молодые побеги; to browse — ощипывать листья, молодые побеги; пролистывать, небрежно просматривать), the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner (я думаю, мне подойдет большой красный в углу)."

The store owner looks at him (смотрит на него) and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you? (вы ударник, не так ли)"

The drummer, crestfallen (упавший духом: crest — гребешок /петуха/ + to fall — падать), says, "How did you know? (как вы узнали)"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator (тот большой красный аккордеон — радиатор; radiator [r?d??e?t?(r)])."


A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.

After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."


I'd like to look at the accordions, please.

How did you know?


A guy walks into the doctor's office and says (человек заходит в кабинет врача и говорит), "Doc, I haven't had a bowel (кишка, кишечник) movement (движение) in a week! (доктор, у меня нет стула неделю)" The doctor gives him a prescription (дает ему рецепт) for a mild laxative (мягкого слабительного; laxative [?l?ks?t?v]) and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know (если не поможет, дайте мне знать)."

A week later (спустя неделю), the guy is back (человек возвращается): "Doc, still (по-прежнему) no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess (/мне/ кажется) you need (вам нужно) something stronger (что-то сильнее)," and prescribes (выписывает) a powerful laxative (сильное слабительное; power — мощь).

Still (все же, тем не менее) another week later (спустя еще неделю: "спустя другую неделю") the poor (несчастный) guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing! (по-прежнему ничего)"

The doctor, worried (обеспокоенный), says, "We'd better get some more information about you (нам лучше получить побольше информации о вас) to try to figure out what's going on (чтобы попытаться выяснить, что происходит). What do you do for a living? (что вы делаете "для проживания" = чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь)"

"I'm a musician (я музыкант)."

The doctor looks up (поднимает глаза) and says, "Well, that's it! (ну, понятно) Here's (здесь: "вот") $10.00. Go get something to eat! (идите купите что-нибудь поесть)"


A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


That's it!

What do you do for a living?


"Do you believe in life after death? (вы верите в жизнь после смерти)" the boss (начальник) asked one of his employees (спросил одного из его служащих; employee [empl???i:]).

"Yes, Sir (да, сэр)," the new recruit replied (новый работник ответил; recruit [r??kru:t]).

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine (ну, это "делает все просто прекрасным")," the boss went on (продолжал). "After you left early yesterday (после того, как вы ушли рано вчера; to leave-left-left — покидать, уходить) to go to your grandmother's funeral (чтобы пойти на похороны вашей бабушки; funeral [?fjun(?)r(?)l]), she stopped in to see you (она заглянула, зашла вас повидать)."


"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


That makes everything just fine.


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer (дирижер имел много неприятностей с одним ударником). He talked and talked and talked (он говорил, говорил и говорил) with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve (но его исполнение просто не улучшалось; performance [p?(r)?f?:m?ns]).

Finally (наконец), before the whole orchestra, he said (перед всем оркестром он сказал; orchestra [??:k?str?]), "When a musician just can't handle his instrument (когда музыкант просто не умеет обращаться со своим инструментом; instrument [??nstrument]) and doesn't improve when given help (и не совершенствуется, когда получает помощь), they take away the instrument (/они/ забирают /прочь/ инструмент), and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer (и дают ему две палочки и делают его ударником)."

A stage whisper ("театральный" шепот) was heard from the percussion section (был услышан cо стороны ударников; percussion — столкновение; percussion instrument — ударный инструмент): "And if he can't handle even that (а если он не может владеть даже этим; to handle — оперировать; справляться), they take away one of his sticks (забирают одну из его палочек) and make him a conductor (и делают его дирижером)."


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."


He can't handle even that.


For the first time in many years (в первый раз за много лет), an old man traveled from his rural town to the city (пожилой человек приехал из cвоего провинциального городка в город) to attend a movie (посетить кино). After buying his ticket (после покупки билета, купив билет), he stopped to purchase some popcorn (он остановился купить попкорна; to purchase [?p?:rt??s] - приобретать).

Handing the attendant (давая служащему; attendant [??tend?nt]) $1.50, he couldn't help but comment (он не смог удержаться от замечания; to comment [?k?ment]), "The last time I came to the movie (последний раз, когда я был в кино), popcorn was only 15 cents (попкорн был только 15 центов)."

"Well, sir (ну, сэр)," the attendant replied (ответил) with a grin (с усмешкой), "You're really going to enjoy yourself (вы действительно развлечетесь). We have sound now… (теперь у нас есть звук = теперь кино звуковое)"


For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now…"


You're really going to enjoy yourself.


A man really loved a woman (один человек действительно = очень сильно любил одну женщину), but he was just too shy (но он был слишком стеснительным) to propose to her (чтобы сделать ей предложение). Now he was up in his years (сейчас он был уже в годах) and neither of them had ever been married (и никто из них никогда /ever — когда-либо/ не состоял в браке; neither [?na???(r)]; to marry — вступать в брак). Of course, they dated about once a week (конечно, они ходили на свидание раз в неделю) for the past six years (все последние шесть лет), but he was so timid (робкий; timid [?t?m?d]) he just never got around (он просто так и не собрался) to suggesting marriage (предложить брак; suggest [s??d?est]; marriage [?m?r?d?]) much less living together (еще меньше — жить вместе = а сожительствовать уж и подавно /не решился предложить/).

But one day (но однажды), he became determined to ask her the question (он «стал» /достаточно/ решительным, чтобы задать ей этот вопрос = он решился задать ей этот вопрос). So he calls her on the phone (он звонит ей по телефону), "June."

"Yes, this is June (да, это Джун)."

"Will you marry me? (ты выйдешь за меня)"

"Of course I will! (конечно, выйду) Who's this? (кто это)"


A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"


Will you marry me?


Jack was living in Arizona (Джек жил в Аризоне) during a heat wave (в период сильной жары: «тепловой волны») when the following took place (когда имело место следующее: to take place — происходить: «брать место»).

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today (сегодня слишком жарко, чтобы носить одежду; just — точно, как раз, именно; совсем, прямо, просто)," complained (пожаловался) Jack as he stepped out of the shower (когда вышел из душа). "Honey (душечка: «мед»), what do you think the neighbors would think (как ты думаешь, что подумали бы соседи) if I mowed the lawn like this? (если бы я косил луг вот так)"

"Probably that I married you for your money (наверное, что я вышла за тебя из-за твоих денег)."


Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."


It's just too hot to wear clothes today.


Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads (пара скупердяев; tight — плотный, тугой; wad — связка, пучок; пачка бумажных денег), lived in the Midwest (жили на Среднем Западе), and had been married years (и уже были женаты /долгие/ годы). Bob had always wanted to go flying (Боб всегда хотел полетать). The desire deepened (желание становилось глубже) each time a barnstormer (каждый раз, когда летчик-спортсмен, выступающий с летными шоу в провинции; barn - амбар + to storm - стремительно проноситься; штурмовать) flew into town to offer rides (прилетал в город предложить покататься; ride — поездка; to ride — ехать верхом). Bob would ask (бывало предлагал), and Sue would say, "No way (ни в коем случае), ten dollars is ten dollars (десять долларов есть десять долларов)."

The years went by (прошли годы), and Bob figured he couldn't wait much longer (понял, что не может ждать больше), so he got Sue out to the show (он брал Сью на представление), explaining (объясняя), it's free to watch (смотреть /можно/ бесплатно), let's (давай) at least (по крайней мере) watch.

And once he got there (и однажды, когда он пришел туда) the feeling became very strong (это чувство /желание полетать/ стало очень сильным). Sue and Bob started an argument (начали дискуссию, спор).

The Pilot, between flights (пилот между полетами), overheard (подслушал /to hear-heard-heard/) that, and said, "I'll tell you what (вот что я вам скажу), I'll take you up flying (я возьму вас полетать), and if you don't say a word the ride is on me (и если вы не произнесете ни слова, поездка на мне), but if you utter one sound (но, если вы издадите /хоть/ один звук), you pay ten dollars (вы платите 10 долларов).

So off they flew (и они взлетели). The Pilot doing as many rolls (пилот проделывал столько "бочек": roll — свиток, сверток; авиац. «бочка» — двойной переворот через крыло) and dives (и пикирований; dive — ныряние; to dive — нырять) as he could — heading to the ground (сколько мог — направляясь в землю) as fast as the plane could go (так быстро, как самолет мог лететь) and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second (и выходил из пикирования прямо в самую последнюю секунду). Not a word (ни слова). Finally he admitted defeat (наконец он признал поражение) and went back the airport (и вернулся в аэропорт).

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything? (я удивлен, почему вы ничего не сказали)"

"Well I almost said something (ну, я чуть не сказал что-то) when Sue fell out (когда Сью выпала), but ten dollars is ten dollars."


Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the Midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling became very strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you utter one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could — heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."


No way.

I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?


At a local coffee bar (в местной кофейне), a young woman (молодая женщина) was expounding on her idea (разъясняла, излагала свою идею; expounding [?ks?paund??]) of the perfect mate to some of her friends (об идеальном муже кому-то из своих подруг).

"The man I marry (человек, за которого я выйду) must be a shining light amongst company (должен быть светочем: «сияющим светом» в обществе: «среди общества»). He must be musical (он должен быть музыкальным). Tell jokes (рассказывать анекдоты). Sing (петь). And stay home at night! (и оставаться дома ночью, вечером)"

An old granny overheard and spoke up (старушка услышала и заговорила), "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV! (дорогая, если это все, что ты хочешь, купи телевизор)"


At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"


Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!


A boy is about to go on his first date (парень собирается идти на свое первое свидание), and is nervous about what to talk about (и волнуется, о чем говорить). He asks his father for advice (он просит у своего отца совета; advice [?d?va?s]).

The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work (мой сын, есть три темы, которые всегда "работают"; subject [?s?bd??kt]).

These are food, family, and philosophy (это еда, семья и философия; philosophy [fi?l?s?f?])."

The boy picks up his date (встречается со своей "девушкой" /date означает и свидание, и человека, с которым у вас свидание/) and they go to a soda fountain (и они идут к автомату с газировкой; fountain [?faunt?n]). Ice cream (мороженое; ice — лед, cream — сливки) sodas in front of them (перед ними), they stare at each other for a long time (они смотрят (пристально) друг на друга долго), and the boy's nervousness builds (и нервозность парня растет). He remembers his father's advice (он вспоминает отцовский совет), and chooses the first topic (и выбирает первую тему).

He asks (спрашивает) the girl, "Do you like spinach? (ты любишь шпинат; spinach [?sp?n?d?])" She says "No," and the silence returns (и тишина возвращается; silence [?sa?lens]).

After a few more uncomfortable minutes (несколькими неуютными = неловкими минутами позже; uncomfortable [?n?k?mf(?)t?bl]; minute [?m?n?t]), the boy thinks of his father's suggestion (думает об отцовском совете; to suggest [s??d?est] - предлагать, советовать) and turns to the second item on the list (и переходит ко второму пункту списка; item [?a?t?m]). He asks, "Do you have a brother? (у тебя есть брат)" Again (опять), the girl says "No" and there is silence once again (и снова тишина).

The boy then plays his last card (затем разыгрывает свою последнюю карту). He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following (следующий) question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach? (если бы у тебя был брат, он бы любил шпинат)"


A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"


Do you like spinach?


When I was younger I hated going to weddings (когда я была моложе, я ненавидела "хождение" на свадьбы); it seemed (мне казалось) that all of my aunts (что все мои тетушки; aunt [a:nt]) and the grandmotherly types (и "бабушки", женщины типа бабушек) used to come up to me (подходили ко мне; to use — использовать, употреблять; иметь обыкновение /что-либо делать — только по отношению к прошлому/), poke me in the ribs (тыкали мне в ребра) and cackle (кудахтали), "You're next (ты следующая)."

They stopped that kind of thing (они перестали /делать/ подобные вещи) after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals (после того, как я начала делать то же, ту же вещь с ними на похоронах).


When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next."

They stopped that kind of thing after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


You're next.


A bum asks a man for $2 (попрошайка просит у человека 2$).

The man asked, "Will you buy booze? (ты купишь спиртного)"

The bum said (сказал), "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? (проиграешь /в карты/)"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me (пойдешь домой со мной) so my wife can see (так моя жена может увидеть) what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble? (что происходит с человеком, который не пьет и: «или» не играет в карты)"


A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


A man dies and goes to Heaven (мужчина умирает и отправляется в рай: «в небеса»; Heaven [?hevn]). He gets to meet God (он попадает на встречу с Богом) and asks God if he can ask him a few questions (и просит у Бога разрешения задать ему несколько вопросов).

"Sure," God says (конечно, говорит Бог), "Go right ahead (начинай, давай /действуй/: "иди прямо вперед").

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty? (зачем ты сделал женщин такими хорошенькими)"

God says, "So you would like them (чтобы они вам нравились)."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful? (но как "случилось", что ты сделал их такими красивыми)"

"So you would LOVE them (чтобы вы их (по)любили)," God replies (отвечает).

The man ponders a moment (задумался на секунду; to ponder — обдумывать) and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? (такими легкомысленными: "воздушноголовыми")"

God says, "So they would love you! (чтобы они (по)любили вас)"


A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them," God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"


Go right ahead.


A New York Divorce Lawyer (нью-йоркский адвокат по бракоразводным процессам; divorce [d??v?(r)s]) died and arrived at the Pearly Gates (умер и попал к жемчужным воротам = к вратам рая). Saint Peter asks him (Святой Петр спрашивает его), "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? (что ты сделал, чтобы удостоиться входа в рай)" The Lawyer thought a moment (подумал секунду), then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street (неделю назад я дал четвертак (25 пенсов) бездомному человеку на улице)." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out (проверить это) in the record (в записи, архиве; record [?rek?(r)d]), and after a moment (через секунду) Gabriel affirmed that this was true (подтвердил, что это правда).

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine (ну, это здорово, прекрасно), but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven (но этого на самом деле не вполне достаточно, чтобы взять тебя в рай; quite — вполне, довольно)."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! (подождите, подождите, вот еще) Three years ago (три года назад) I also (также) gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded (кивнул) to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back (кивнул в ответ), affirming this, too, had been verified (подтверждая, что это также проверено; to verify [?ver?fa?]).

Saint Peter then whispered (шепнул) to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? (что ты предлагаешь нам сделать с этим парнем)"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance (косой взгляд), then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell! (давай отдадим ему обратно его 50 центов и скажем ему отправляться к черту: «в ад»)"


A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


Go to Hell!


Three men died in a car accident (три человека погибли в автомобильной аварии) and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates (и встретили самого Иисуса у жемчужных ворот).

The Lord spoke unto them saying (Бог обратился к ним, говоря; unto = to /высок., поэтич./), "I will ask you each a simple question (я задам вам каждому простой вопрос). If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven (если вы скажете правду, я пущу вас в рай; to allow — позволять), but if you lie… (но если вы солжете) Hell is waiting for you (ад вас дожидается, ждет вас)."

To the first (первого) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? (сколько раз ты обманывал свою жену)"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband (я был хорошим мужем). I never (никогда) cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! (очень хорошо) Not only will I allow you in (я не только позволю тебе войти), but for being faithful to your wife (но за верность жене; faithful — верный; faith — вера) I will give you a huge mansion (огромный особняк) and a limo (лимузин) for your transportation."

To the second (второго) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice (дважды)."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness (неверность), you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW (ты получишь дом с четырьмя спальнями и БMВ)."

To the third (третьего) man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times (около восьми раз)."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment (однокомнатную квартиру), and a Yugo for your transportation."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя) the second and third men saw (увидели /to see — saw — seen/) the first man crying his eyes out (горько рыдающим: "выплакивающим свои глаза").

"Why (почему) are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago (я плачу, потому что видел свою жену некоторое время назад), and she was riding a skateboard! (и она ехала на скейтборде: skate — конек; to skate — скользить /на коньках/; board — доска)"


Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie… Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation."

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"


I never cheated on my wife.

Why are you crying?


Three buddies die in a car crash (три дружка умирают в автомобильной аварии; to crush — раздавить), and they go to heaven to an orientation (и они отправляются в рай для "ориентации"=чтобы их направили, распределили по заслугам).

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket (когда вы в гробу) and friends and family are mourning upon you (и друзья и семья оплакивают вас, скорбят над вами), what would you like to hear them say about you? (чтобы вы хотели услышать от них о вас)"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time (что я был великим врачом своего времени), and a great family man (и отличным семьянином)."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow (что я был чудесным мужем и школьным учителем, который сильно изменил /к лучшему/ наших детей завтрашнего дня: "сделал огромную разницу, огромное отличие в наших детях грядущего дня"; difference [?d?fer?ns])."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving! (смотрите! Он шевелится!)"


Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"


Look! He's moving!


This guy dies and is sent to Hell (этот = один парень умирает и послан в ад /to send-sent-sent/). Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms (сатана встречает его и показывает ему двери к трем комнатам) and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in (и говорит, что он должен выбрать одну из комнат, чтобы проводить в ней вечность).

So Satan opens the first door (открывает первую дверь). In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks (в комнате люди, стоящие в коровьем навозе по шеи; manure [m??nju?]). The guy says, "No, please show me the next room (нет, пожалуйста, покажи мне следующую комнату)."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses (до носов). And so he says no again (снова).

Finally (наконец), Satan shows him the third and final (и последнюю) room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees (по колено) drinking cups of tea and eating cakes (пьющие "чашку" чая и "едящие" пирожки).

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room (я выберу эту комнату)." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking (думая), "Well, it could be worse (могло быть хуже)," when the door opens. Satan pops his head around (всовывает голову), and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over (перерыв на чай закончен). Back on your heads! (снова /встать/ на головы)"


This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please show me the next room."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"


It could be worse.


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates (недавно учитель, мусорщик и адвокат поднялись вместе к Жемчужным Вратам; to wind — виться; наматывать(ся) /to wind-wound-wound/; to wind up — поднимать при помощи лебедки). St. Peter informed them (сообщил им) that in order to get into Heaven (для того, чтобы попасть в рай), they would each have to answer one question (каждый из них должен будет ответить на один вопрос).

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked (обратился к учителю и спросил), "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? (как назывался корабль, который врезался в айсберг) They just made a movie about it (о нем как раз сделали фильм)."

The teacher answered quickly (ответил быстро), "That would be the Titanic (это, должно быть, Титаник)." St. Peter let him through the gate (пропустил его в ворота /to let-let-let/).

St. Peter turned to the garbage man (повернулся к мусорщику) and, figuring (подумав; to figure — изображать; считать, полагать) Heaven didn't really need all the odors (Раю точно уж: "действительно" не были нужны все эти ароматы, запахи) that this guy would bring with him (которые этот парень принес бы с собой), decided to make the question a little harder (решил несколько усложнить вопрос: "сделать вопрос немного жестче"): "How many people died on the ship? (сколько человек погибло на корабле)"

Fortunately for him (к счастью для него), the trash man had just seen the movie (мусорщик видел фильм; trash — мусор). "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! (правильно) You may enter (можешь войти; to might — мочь)."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them (назови их /по именам/)."


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding (офицер полиции пытается остановить машину за превышение скорости) and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph (и человек постепенно увеличивает скорость, пока она не превышает 100 миль в час; mph = miles per hour; top — вершина, верхушка; to top — подняться на вершину, перевалить /через гору/; превысить). He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over (он в конце концов понимает, что не может убежать и наконец останавливается; to pull — тянуть, тащить; to pull over — перетягивать, перетаскивать; здесь — отъехать к обочине и остановиться).

The cop approaches the car and says (полицейский подходит к машине и говорит), "It's been a long day (был длинный день) and my tour is almost over (и моя смена почти закончилась), so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go (и если вы можете представить мне целесообразное оправдание вашему поведению, я отпущу вас; behavior [b??he?vj?])."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says (думает несколько секунд и затем говорит), "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago (моя жена сбежала с полицейским около недели назад). I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back! (я подумал, что вы, возможно: «можете быть» тот офицер, пытающийся вернуть ее)"


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"


A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner (новичок-полицейский был на своем первом дежурстве: «в своем первом рейде, выезде») с опытным напарником; experience — опыт [?ks?p??r??ns]). A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering (поступил сигнал, говорящий им разогнать людей, которые слонялись без дела).

The officers drove to the street (приехали на улицу /to drive-drove-driven/) and observed a small crowd standing on a corner (и заметили небольшую толпу, стоящую на углу; to observe — наблюдать).

The rookie rolled down his window (опустил: «открутил вниз» стекло) and said, "Let's get off the corner people (давайте-ка уйдем с угла, народ)."

A few glances, but no one moved (несколько взглядов, но никто не сдвинулся), so he barked again (снова рявкнул; to bark — лаять), "Let's get off that corner… NOW! (сейчас же)"

Intimidated (испугавшись), the group of people began to leave (группа людей начала расходиться), casting puzzled stares (бросая озадаченные взгляды) in his direction (в его сторону).

Proud of his first official act (гордый своим первым служебным действием, поступком), the young policeman turned to his partner and asked (молодой полицейский повернулся к своему напарнику и спросил), "Well, how did I do? (ну, как я проделал /это/)"

"Pretty good (очень хорошо)," chuckled the vet (захихикал "бывалый"; vet = veteran), "especially since this is a bus stop (особенно если учесть, что это автобусная остановка: "особенно поскольку это автобусная остановка")."


A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner… NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."


Pretty good.


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) (отделение полиции), the FBI (- Federal Bureau of Investigation - ФБР /Федеральное бюро расследований/), and the CIA (- Cental Intelligence Agency - ЦРУ /Центральное разведывательное управление/) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals (все пытаются доказать, что они лучшие в поимке преступников; to apprehend — понимать, схватывать; чувствовать; задерживать, арестовывать [?pr??hend]). The President decides to give them a test (президент решает устроить для них тест, проверку). He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it (он выпускает кролика в лес и каждая из них /каждая организация/ должна поймать его).

The CIA goes in (вступает). They place animal informants throughout the forest (они внедряют животных-информаторов по всему лесу). They question all plant and mineral witnesses (они допрашивают всех растительных и минеральных свидетелей). After three months of extensive investigations (после трех месяцев усиленных поисков; extensive — расширенный; investigation — исследование, расследование) they conclude that rabbits do not exist (они делают вывод: «заключают», что кроликов не существует).

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads (ни к чему не приведших), they burn the forest (они поджигают, сжигают лес), killing everything in it (убив всех в нем), including the rabbit (включая кролика), and they make no apologies (и не приносят никаких извинений; apology [??p?l?d??]).

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later (выходят два часа спустя) with a badly beaten bear (с сильно побитым медведем).

The bear is yelling (вопит): "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! (я кролик)"


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


A police officer pulls over the guy (полицейский останавливает человека) who had been weaving in and out of the lanes (который заезжал за полосы туда и обратно /to weave-wove-woven — качаться, покачиваться, ехать зигзагами/).

He goes up (подходит) to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube (сэр, мне нужно, чтобы вы дохнули в эту дыхательную пробирку)."

The man says, "Sorry (простите), officer, I can't do that (я не могу этого сделать). I am an asthmatic (я астматик). If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack (если я это сделаю, у меня будет очень сильный астматический приступ; attack [??t?k])."

"Okay, fine (хорошо). I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample (мне нужно, чтобы вы поехали в полицию и сдали анализ крови)."

"I can't do that either (это я тоже не могу сделать). I am a hemophiliac (у меня гемофилия). If I do that, I'll bleed to death (если я это сделаю, я истеку кровью «до смерти»)."

"Well, then we need an urine sample (хорошо, тогда нам нужен анализ мочи)."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic (я также диабетик). If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar (если я это сделаю, у меня будет очень мало сахара в крови; low — низкий)."

"All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line (хорошо, тогда мне нужно, чтобы вы вышли сюда и прошли по этой белой линии)."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not? (почему)"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that! (потому что я слишком пьян, чтобы это сделать)"


A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need an urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"


Why not?


A man went to the Police Station (человек пришел в полицейский участок) wishing to speak with the burglar (желая побеседовать с грабителем) who had broken into his house the night before (который влез в его дом накануне ночью).

"You'll get your chance in court (у вас будет эта возможность в суде)," said the sergeant (сказал сержант).

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know (я хочу знать) how he got into the house without waking my wife (как он попал в дом, не разбудив моей жены). I've been trying to do that for years! (я пытался это сделать /многие/ годы)"


A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


I've been trying to do that for years!


Two robbers were robbing a hotel (два вора грабили отель). The first one said (первый сказал), "I hear sirens. Jump! (я слышу сирены. Прыгай; siren [?sa??r?n])"

The second one (второй) said, "But we're on the 13th floor! (но мы на 13-м этаже)"

The first one screamed back (прокричал в ответ), "This is no time to be superstitious (нет времени быть суеверными)."


Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."


This is no time to be superstitious!


A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations (клиент госпиталя, где делали пересадку мозга) asked about the prices (спрашивал о расценках).

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs (ну, этот мозг доктора философии /Ph.D. — Doctor of philosophy/ стоит) $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist (этот мозг принадлежал главному ученому НАСА: Национального управления по аэронавтике и исследованию космического пространства) and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000 (здесь у нас также есть мозг полицейского. Он стоит 50.000)."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible? (Что? Как это "возможно" = может быть)"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused (вы видите, он абсолютно не использован)."


A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."


What? How's that possible?


John was driving when a policeman pulled him over (Джон вел машину, когда полицейский его остановил). He rolled down his window and said to the officer (он опустил стекло и сказал офицеру), "Is there a problem, Officer? (какая-то проблема, офицер)"

"No problem at all (абсолютно никаких проблем). I just observed your safe driving (я просто наблюдал за вашим безопасным (осторожным) вождением) and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award (и рад наградить вас Премией за безопасное вождение в 5000 долларов). Congratulations (поздравляю). What do you think you're going to do with the money? (что вы думаете делать с деньгами)"

John thought for a minute (подумал минутку) and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license (ну, я думаю, я пойду получу /все же/ водительские права)."


John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license."


Is there a problem?

What do you think you're going to do with the money?

Well, I guess I'll get the driver's license.


A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car (блондинка позвонила в полицию заявить, что воры побывали в ее машине). "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator (они украли приборную доску, руль /to steer — управлять/, педаль тормоза, даже акселератор /to steal-stole-stolen/)," she cried out (выкрикнула).

However (однако), before the police investigation could start (перед тем, как полицейское расследование могло начаться), the phone rang a second time (телефон зазвонил второй раз /to ring-rang-rung/) and the same voice (и тот же голос) came over the line (появился на линии). "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake (забудьте, не обращайте внимания; never — никогда; to mind — помнить, заботиться; the mind - разум; я села на заднее сиденье по ошибке)."


A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."


Never mind.

I did that by mistake.


A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time (полицейский замечает женщину, ведущую машину и вяжущую одновременно; spot — точка; to spot — определять, замечать). Driving up beside her (подъехав к ней), he shouts out the window… (он кричит из окна) "Pull over! (остановитесь — здесь игра слов: остановиться — пуловер; to pull over — остановиться /на обочине/; натягивать /например, свитер, пуловер/)"

"No," she shouts back (она кричит в ответ), "a pair of socks! (пара носков)"


A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"


Police Chief (начальник полиции): As a recruit (как новичок), you'll be faced with some difficult issues (вы встретитесь с некоторыми трудными вопросами). What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? (чтобы вы сделали, если бы вы должны были арестовать вашу мать)

New Recruit: Call for backup! (вызвал бы подкрепление)


Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!


You'll be faced with some difficult issues.


Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost (пятилетний Крошка Джонни потерялся), so he went up to a policeman and said (он подошел к полицейскому и сказал),

"I've lost my dad! (я потерял моего папу)"

The policeman said, "What's he like? (игра слов: to be like smb or smth — быть как, быть похожим на кого-то (что-то) и to like smb or smth — любить)"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women! (пиво и женщин)"


Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,

"I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"


What's he like?


A Trooper (конный полицейский; trooper — кавалерист) pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver (останавливает машину на пустынной глухой (отдаленной) дороге и подходит к блондинке-водителю).

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road? (мэм, есть ли причина, по которой вы петляете, едете зигзагами всю дорогу; to weave — ткать, плести)"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! (о, офицер, слава Богу, вы здесь) I almost had an accident! (я почти попала в аварию) I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me (я посмотрела, и там было дерево, прямо напротив меня). I swerved to the left (я свернула налево) and there was another tree in front of me (и там было другое дерево напротив меня). I swerved to the right (направо) and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window (посмотрев через боковое окно) to the rear view mirror (в зеркало заднего вида), the officer replied, "Ma'am… that's your air freshener (мэм, это ваш освежитель воздуха)."


A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am… that's your air freshener."


Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers (сидя на обочине автострады, поджидая водителей, превышающих скорость /чтобы их ловить/), a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH (полицейский офицер штата видит машину еле-еле двигающуюся со скоростью 22 мили в час; to putter — двигаться медленно, вяло; возиться).

He thinks to himself (он думает /про себя/), "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! (этот водитель так же опасен, как и тот, что едет слишком быстро; speed — скорость)" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over (и он включает лампочки и останавливает водителя).

Approaching the car (приблизившись к машине), he notices that there are five old ladies (он замечает, что там пять старых леди), two in the front seat and three in the back (две на передних сиденьях и три на заднем), wide-eyed and white as ghosts (с широко раскрытыми глазами и белые, как привидения).

The driver, obviously confused (явно смешавшись; obvious — очевидный), says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! (я не понимаю, я ехала точно согласно лимиту скорости) What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой = в чем, собственно, дело)"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding (вы не гнали, не превысили скорости), but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers (но вы должны знать, что вождение медленнее лимита скорости может тоже представлять опасность для других водителей)."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! (нет, сэр, я ехала точно по лимиту скорости, 22 мили в час)" the old woman says a bit proudly (с некоторой гордостью: «немножко гордо»).

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle (пытаясь сдержать смешок), explains to her (объясняет ей) that "22" was the route number (что "22" — это номер дороги), not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed (несколько растерянная, смущенная), the woman grinned (усмехнулась) and thanked (и поблагодарила) the officer for pointing out her error (за указание на ее ошибку).

"But before I let you go (но перед тем, как я вас отпущу), Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? (я должен спросить, все ли в этой машине нормально себя чувствуют) These women (эти женщины) seem awfully shaken (кажутся крайне потрясенными) and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time (и они не издали ни звука за все это время; to mutter — бормотать; peep — писк)," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer (о, они будут в порядке через минуту, офицер). We just got off Route 142 (мы только что выехали с шоссе 142)."


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."


What seems to be the problem?


A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек говорит взволнованно в телефон; frantic — неистовый, лихорадочный), "My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart! (и у нее схватки с промежутком в две минуты; apart — в стороне, отдельно, порознь)"

"Is this her first child? (это ее первый ребенок)" — the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).

"No, you idiot! (нет, вы идиот; idiot [??d??t])" the man shouts (кричит). "This is her husband! (это ее муж)"


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


No, you idiot!


A woman got on a bus holding a baby (женщина села в автобус, держа на руках ребенка).

The bus driver said (водитель автобуса сказал), "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen (это самый уродливый ребенок, какого я когда-либо видел)."

In a huff (в гневе; huff — вспышка гнева), the woman slammed her fare into the fare box (женщина швырнула деньги в ящик для оплаты проезда; fare — плата за проезд; to slam — хлопнуть /дверью/; швырнуть /со стуком/) and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus (и заняла сиденье около прохода в задней части автобуса; aisle [a?l]).

The man seated next to her (человек, сидящий рядом с ней) sensed that she was agitated (почувствовал, что она взволнована) and asked her what was wrong (и спросил ее, что случилось).

"The bus driver insulted me (водитель автобуса оскорбил меня)," she fumed (сказала, кипя от злости; fume — дым или пар /с сильным запахом/; to fume — дымить, окуривать).

The man sympathized (посочувствовал) and said, "Why, he's a public servant (да, ведь он «общественный служащий») and shouldn't say things to insult passengers (и не должен говорить оскорбительные для пассажиров вещи; "вещи, чтобы оскорблять пассажиров")."

"You're right (вы правы)," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind (думаю, я вернусь туда и скажу ему все, что я думаю: "дам ему кусок моего разумения")."

"That's a good idea (хорошая идея)," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey (давайте, я подержу вашу обезьянку)."


A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


What's wrong?

You are right.


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн; to urinate [?ju?r?ne?t]).

"Everyone knows (все знают)," the mother lectured him (стала его поучать, отчитывать), "that from time to time (что время от времени), young children urinate in a pool."

"Oh really? (неужели)" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!? (с трамплина: "с ныряльной доски"; to dive — прыгать в воду, нырять)"


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"


Oh really?


The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя), so Homer (и Гомер) - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал) - went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост).

"Okay," the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул), "Homer, what is 1 and 1? (сколько будет 1 и 1)"

"11," he replied (он ответил).

The sheriff thought to himself (подумал про себя), "That's not what I meant, but he's right (это не то, что я имел в виду, но он прав /to mean-meant-meant/)."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? (какие два дня недели начинаются с буквы "Т" /имеются в виду Tuesday — вторник и Thursday — четверг/)"

"Today and tomorrow (сегодня и завтра)."

He was again surprised (он был опять удивлен) that Homer supplied a correct answer (дал: «предоставил» правильный ответ) that he had never thought of himself (до которого он сам никогда не додумывался).

"Now Homer, listen carefully (слушай внимательно): Who killed (кто убил) Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself (посмотрел несколько удивленно "сам" = в свою очередь), then thought really hard (затем действительно серьезно подумал) for a minute (с минуту) and finally admitted (и, наконец, признался), "I don't know (я не знаю)."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? (ну, почему бы тебе не пойти домой и не поработать над этим пока что, какое-то время)"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall (вышел в холл бюро) where his pals (где его приятели) were waiting to hear the results of the interview (ждали, "чтобы услышать" результаты собеседования). Homer was exultant (ликующий; exultant [???z?lt(?)nt]).

"It went great! (прошло замечательно) First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! (в первый день работы я уже работаю над делом об убийстве)"


The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer — who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket — went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Homer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11," he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


That's not what I meant.

It went great!


A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife (заключенный в тюрьме получил письмо от своей жены):

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden (я решила посадить салат в огороде; lettuce [?let?s]). When is the best time to plant them? (когда лучшее время сажать его)"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards (зная, что тюремные охранники) read all the mail (читают всю почту), replied in a letter (ответил в письме):

"Dear Wife (милая жена), whatever you do (что бы ты ни делала), DO NOT touch the back garden! (не трогай огород) That is where I hid all the gold (там я спрятал все золото /to hide-hid-hidden/)."

A week or so later (неделю или около того спустя), he received another (другое) letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened (ты не поверишь, что случилось). Some men came with shovels (несколько мужчин пришли с лопатами) to the house (к дому), and dug up the whole back garden (и перекопали весь огород /to dig-dug-dug/)."

The prisoner wrote (написал /to write-wrote-written/) another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! (сейчас — лучшее время сажать салат)"


A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"


You wouldn't believe what happened!


A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси), and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит).

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… (вежливый, обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой).

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет) So how could you get lost? (как ты мог потеряться)"

Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке), so that the policeman couldn't hear (так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать), Morris whispered (прошептал)," I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home (я был слишком усталым, чтобы идти домой /пешком/)."


A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home."


I was just too tired to walk.


A rabbi and a priest are driving one day (раввин и священник едут однажды /на автомобилях/) and, by a freak accident ("по иронии судьбы", по причудливой случайности), have a head-on collision with tremendous force ("имеют" лобовое столкновение со страшной силой; tremendous — жуткий, потрясающий). Both cars are totally demolished (обе машины совершенно разбиты; to demolish — разрушать), but amazingly (но удивительно), neither of the clerics has a scratch on him (ни у кого из священнослужителей нет даже царапины).

After they crawl out of their cars (после того, как они выползают из своих машин), the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says (раввин видит воротничок священника и говорит), "So you're a priest (так вы священник). I'm a rabbi (я раввин).

Just look at our cars (посмотрите на наши машины).

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt (/от них/ ничего не осталось, а мы здесь, невредимы; to hurt — причинить боль, ранить).

This must be a sign from God! (это должен быть = это, должно быть, знак Божий)"

Pointing to the sky, he continues (показывая на небо, он продолжает), "God must have meant that we should meet (Бог, должно быть, подразумевал, что мы встретимся) and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth (и разделим = проведем "наши жизни" в мире и дружбе до конца наших дней на Земле)."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely (я согласен с вами полностью).

This must surely (конечно) be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims (смотрит на свою машину и восклицает), "And look at this! (а посмотрите на это)

Here's another miracle! (вот другое = еще одно чудо)

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break (моя машина совершенно разбита, но эта бутылка вина не разбилась).

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune (конечно, Господь хочет, чтобы мы выпили это вино и отметили нашу благую судьбу; to celebrate — праздновать)."

The priest nods in agreement (кивает в знак согласия).

The rabbi hands (дает, передает) the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle (пьет полбутылки) and hands the bottle back (обратно) to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes (берет) the bottle and immediately puts the cap on (тут же надевает крышку), then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled (сбитый с толку), asks (спрашивает), "Aren't you having any, rabbi? (а разве вы не будете немного, рабби)"

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police (нет, я думаю, я подожду полицию)."


A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police."


I agree with you completely.

Aren't you having any?


Juggler (жонглер), driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление), was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией). "What are those knives doing in your car? (что эти ножи делают в вашей машине)" asked the officer (спросил офицер).

"I juggle them in my act (я жонглирую ими в моем номере)."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop (говорит полицейский). "Let's see you do it (посмотрим = покажи, как ты это делаешь)."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives (и жонглер начинает подбрасывать ножи и жонглировать ими).

A guy driving by (человек, проезжающий мимо) sees this (видит это) and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking (я рад, что я бросил пить). Look at the test they're making you do now! (посмотри на тест, который они заставляют тебя пройти теперь)"


Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"


Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here (здесь говорится) that you should be wearing glasses (что вы должны носить очки)."

The woman answered (женщина ответила), "Well, I have contacts (ну, у меня контакты = контактные линзы)."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! (мне все равно, кого вы знаете, с кем вы знакомы) You're getting a ticket! (вы получаете штрафной талон)"


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


Well, I have contacts.


Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older (три дамы обсуждали трудности старения = связанные со старением; travail — тяжелый труд; усилие, напряжение [?tr?ve?l]). One said (одна сказала), "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand (иногда я обнаруживаю: «ловлю» себя с банкой майонеза в руке), while standing in front of the refrigerator (стоящей напротив холодильника), and I can't remember whether I need to put it away (и я не могу вспомнить, должна ли я убрать его), or start making a sandwich (или начать делать сандвич)."

The second (вторая) lady chimed in with (вступила /в разговор/; chime — перезвон колоколов; to chime — выбивать /мелодию/, отбивать /часы/, звучать согласно), "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs (да, иногда я нахожу себя на лестничной площадке) and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down (и не могу вспомнить была ли я "на пути" наверх или "на пути" вниз)."

The third one responded (третья ответила), "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem (ну, леди, я рада, что у меня нет этой проблемы). Knock on wood (постучу, /надо/ постучать по дереву)," as she rapped her knuckles on the table (тут она постучала костяшками пальцев по столу), and then said, "That must be the door (это должно быть дверь), I'll get it! (я открою)"


Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


I'll get it!


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде), his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring-rang-rung/). Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его), "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что "есть" машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280). Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен)"

"Heck (черт)," said Herman, "It's not just one car (это не одна машина). It's hundreds of them! (их сотни)"


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


Please be careful!


An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things (одна восьмидесятитилетняя пара "имела проблемы" = испытывала затруднения с запоминанием "вещей"), so they decided to go to their doctor (и они решили пойти к их врачу) to get checked out ("стать проверенными" = чтобы их проверили) to make sure nothing was wrong with them (чтобы убедиться, что у них все в порядке; nothing — ничто, ничего; wrong — неправильно). When they arrived at the doctor's (когда они пришли к доктору; to arrive — прибывать), they explained (они объяснили) to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory (о проблемах, которые они переживали со своей памятью).

After checking the couple out (после проверки пары), the doctor tells them that they were physically okay (доктор говорит им, что физически они в порядке) but might start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things (но могут начать записывать "вещи" и писать записки, чтобы помочь им запомнить /некоторые/ вещи). The couple thanked the doctor and left (пара поблагодарила доктора и ушла /to leave-left-left — покидать/).

Later that night while watching TV (позже тем же вечером, смотря телевизор), the old man got up from his chair (старик встал со стула) and his wife asks (и его жена спрашивает), "Where are you going? (куда ты идешь)"

He replies, "To the kitchen (на кухню)."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? (ты не принесешь мне порцию мороженого; bowl — чашка)"

He replies, "Sure (конечно)."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? (ты не думаешь, что тебе нужно это записать, чтобы ты смог это запомнить)"

He says, "No, I can remember that (нет, я могу это запомнить)."

She then (затем) says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top (ну, еще, я хотела бы несколько клубничек сверху). You'd better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that (тебе бы лучше это записать, потому что я знаю, ты это забудешь)."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top (взбитые сливки наверху; whip — кнут, хлыст; to whip — хлестать; взбивать). I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice (с раздражением в голосе), he says, "I don't need to write that down (мне не нужно то записывать), I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen (он затем испаряется на кухню).

After about 20 minutes (через, примерно, двадцать минут) he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs (он возвращается из кухни и протягивает ей тарелку с беконом и яйцами).

She stares at the plate for a moment and says (она смотрит на тарелку с секунду и говорит), "You forgot my toast (ты забыл мой тост)."


An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?


Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home (три старика сидят на веранде дома для престарелых). The first says (первый говорит), "Fellas (парни /небрежно/; fellow — парень), I got real problems (у меня серьезные проблемы). I'm seventy years old (мне семьдесят). Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate (каждое утро в семь часов я встаю и пытаюсь помочиться). All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps (мне дают все виды лекарств = самые разные лекарства, но ничего не помогает)."

The second (второй) old man says, "You think you have problems (ты думаешь, у тебя проблемы). I'm eighty years old (мне восемьдесят). Every morning at 8:00 (каждое утро в восемь) I get up and try to move my bowels (я встаю и пытаюсь покакать: «двинуть мои кишки»). I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps (они дают мне все типы лекарств; stuff — материал, вещество, часто употребляется в значении "все такое"; но ничего не помогает)."

Finally the third old man speaks up (наконец, третий старик заговаривает), "Fellas, I'm ninety years old (мне девяносто). Every morning at 7:00 sharp (ровно; sharp - острый; точно, ровно) I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up (просыпаюсь)."


Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."


I got real problems.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.


A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [?n??v?:(r)s(?)r?]). On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе).

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились). Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot-shot/ - стрелять + gun — ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw-threw-thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе). Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком)"


A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"


I was thinking about the time before we got married.


An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years (пожилая вдова и вдовец встречались около пяти лет). The man finally decided to ask her to marry (мужчина наконец решил просить ее руки). She immediately said "yes" (она тут же сказала "да"; immediately [??mi:dj?tl?] - немедленно).

The next morning when he awoke (на следующее утро, когда он проснулся; to awake), he couldn't remember what her answer was! (он не мог припомнить, каков был ее ответ) "Was she happy? (она была счастлива = рада) I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… (кажется, подождите, нет, она смотрела на меня странно; fun — веселье, забава; funny — забавно; странно)"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail (после часа бесполезных попыток вспомнить; avail — польза [??ve?l]), he gave her a call (он позвонил ей). Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal (смущенный, он признался, что не помнит ее ответа на предложение; proposal [pr??p?uz(?)l]).

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called (я так рада, что вы позвонили). I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was (я помню, что сказала "да" кому-то, но я не могла вспомнить, кто это был)."


An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."


I'm so glad you called.


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого), "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как "клиника памяти" — т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце)"

"Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding — выдающийся)," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации — это "сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [sa?k??l?d??k?l] techniques [tek?ni:ks])."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника)"

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank — озадаченный, смущенный). He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить).

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break — здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами)"

"You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу)"

"Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно»)"

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника)"


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visulization, association — it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife… "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"


It made a huge difference for me.

That's great!

Yes, that's it!


A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says (маленький мальчик на свадьбе смотрит на свою маму и говорит), "Mommy, why does the girl wear white? (мама, почему на девушке белое; to wear — носить)"

His mom replies, "The bride (невеста) is in white because she's happy (потому что она счастлива) and this is the happiest day of her life (и это самый счастливый день в ее жизни)."

The boy thinks about this (размышляет над этим), and then (затем) says, "Well then (ну, а тогда), why is the boy wearing black? (почему на молодом человеке черное)"


A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"


This is the happiest day of my life.


The newly wed wife (молодая жена: newly — недавно, только что; to wed — отдавать замуж; вступать в брак) said to her husband (сказала своему мужу) when he returned from work (когда он вернулся с работы), "I have great news for you (у меня для тебя потрясающая новость). Pretty soon (совсем скоро), we're going to be three in this house instead of two (нас будет трое в этом доме вместо двоих)."

Her husband ran to her (подбежал к ней /to run-ran-run/) with a smile on his face (с улыбкой на лице) and delight in his eyes (и восторгом в глазах).

He was glowing of happiness (он светился от счастья) and kissing his wife when she said (и целовал жену, когда она сказала), "I'm glad that you feel this way (я рада, что ты так это воспринял) since tomorrow morning (так как завтра утром) my mother moves in with us (моя мать переезжает к нам)."


The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."


I have great news for you.

I'm glad that you feel this way.


A police officer in a small town (офицер полиции в маленьком городке) stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street (остановил автомобилиста, который слишком быстро ехал по главной улице).

"But, officer," the man began (начал /to begin-began-begun/), "I can explain… (я могу объяснить)"

"Just be quiet ("тихо")," snapped the officer (оборвал; to snap — щелкать, защелкиваться, хлопать; резко обрывать /кого-то/, обрывать /разговор/). "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail (я собираюсь дать тебе "остудить твои пятки" в тюрьме, в камере) until the chief gets back (пока не вернется начальник)."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say… (но, офицер, я как раз хотел сказать)"

"And I said to keep quiet! (а я сказал, помолчи) You're going to jail! (ты отправляешься в тюрьму)"

A few hours later the officer looked in (несколько часов спустя офицер заглянул) on his prisoner (к своему заключенному; prison — тюрьма) and said, "Lucky for you ("удачно для тебя") that the chief's at his daughter's wedding (что начальник на свадьбе своей дочери). He'll be in a good mood when he gets back (он будет в хорошем настроении, когда вернется)."

"Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это)," answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере). "I'm the groom (я жених)."


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


Keep (be) quiet!

I just wanted to say…

Don't count on it.


There is an envelope (конверт; envelope [??nv?l?up]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind — ветер + shield — щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на "музыкальный концерт"). The note reads (записка гласит), "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за "взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину), but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot — горячий; wire — проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь). Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [?nk?n?v?n?ens]). Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса), the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн)."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась), the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно). They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен). Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house ("из всего дома"), from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака). And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая), "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина). I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку)"


There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"


I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.


A dietician (диетолог; dietician [d???t??n]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды обращался к многочисленной аудитории в Чикаго). "The material we put into our stomachs (веществ, которые мы пихаем в наши желудки; stomach [?st?m?k]) is enough to have killed most of us sitting here (достаточно, чтобы уже убить большинство из нас, сидящих здесь), years ago (годы назад). Red meat is awful (мясо с кровью ужасно). Vegetables can be disastrous (овощи могут быть губительными; disastrous [d??za:str?s]; disaster — бедствие), and none of us realizes (и никто из нас не отдает себе отчета) the germs in our drinking water (о бактериях в нашей питьевой воде). But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it (но есть одна вещь, самая опасная из всех и мы все это едим). Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? (может кто-нибудь здесь сказать мне, о каком смертоносном продукте я говорю) You, sir, in the first row (вы, сэр, в первом ряду) please give us your idea (пожалуйста, "дайте" нам вашу идею = как вы полагаете)."

The man lowered his head and said (человек опустил голову и сказал), "Wedding cake (свадебный пирог)."


A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."


It can be disastrous.

Please give us your idea.


Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды), when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке).

When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle — поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться), the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко), "I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне)"

"Of course (конечно)," the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel-felt-felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы).

The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear-wore-wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: "имел тяжелое время" читать и водить машину). He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight (не мог бы ангел сделать что-нибудь с его плохим: «жалким» зрением).

The angel smiled (улыбнулся), removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро). When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду), the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека "прояснились", и он смог видеть все отчетливо).

When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему), the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь) - "Don't touch me! (не трогай меня)" he cried (воскликнул), "I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [d?za?b?l?t?] - нетрудоспособность)."


Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War… Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.

The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."


Could you help me?

Don't touch me!


Two men went bear hunting (два человека пошли на медвежью охоту). While one stayed in the cabin (пока один остался в хижине), the other went out looking for a bear (другой вышел в поисках: "ища" медведя). He soon found a huge bear (вскоре он нашел большого медведя), shot at it (выстрелил в него /to shoot-shot-shot/) but only wounded it (но только ранил его).

The enraged (взбешенный; rage — бешенство, ярость) bear charged toward him (пошел на него; to charge — атаковать), he dropped his rifle (бросил ружье; rifle [ra?fl]) and started running (и побежал) for the cabin as fast as he could (так быстро, как мог). He ran pretty fast (очень быстро) but the bear was just a little faster (но медведь был все-таки немного быстрее) and gained on him with every step (нагонял его с каждым шагом). Just as he reached the open cabin door (как раз когда он добежал: «достиг» до открытой двери хижины), he tripped and fell flat (споткнулся и упал плашмя /to fall-fell-fallen/).

Too close behind to stop (/будучи/ слишком близко "сзади", чтобы остановиться), the bear tripped over him (споткнулся о него) and went rolling (ввалился) into the cabin.

The man jumped up (подпрыгнул), closed (закрыл) the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside (прокричал "своему другу внутри"),

"You skin this one (ты снимай шкуру с этого) while I go and get another! (пока я пойду и возьму, добуду другого)"


Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,

"You skin this one while I go and get another!"


A father and son went fishing one day (отец и сын пошли на рыбалку в один день). While they were out in the boat (пока они были в лодке), the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him (вдруг стал любопытным по отношению к миру вокруг него). He asked his father (он спросил своего отца), "How does this boat float? (как эта лодка держится на воде)"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son (точно не знаю, сынок; rightly — правильно, верно, точно)."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked (немного позже мальчик посмотрел на своего отца и спросил), "How do fish breath underwater? (как рыба дышит под водой)"

Once again (еще раз, снова) the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? (почему небо голубое)"

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." Finally (наконец), the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? (папа, ты не против "моего задавания" тебе всех этих вопросов)"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin' (конечно нет, /если/ не задаешь вопросов, никогда ничего и не узнаешь)."


A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."


Don't rightly know.

Do you mind my asking you all of these questions?


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven (все на Земле умирают и отправляются на небеса). God comes and says (Бог приходит и говорит), "I want the men to make two lines (я хочу, чтобы мужчины составили два ряда, построились в два ряда). One line for the men that dominated their women on earth (доминировали, главенствовали над своими женами на Земле) and the other line for the men that were whipped (были покорены: «высечены») by their women. Also (также), I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done (сказано — сделано), the next time, God looks (в следующий раз Бог смотрит) the women are gone ("ушедшие") and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long (длиной 100 миль), on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man (был только один человек).

God got mad (разгневался /to get-got-got/: «стал рассерженным»; mad — сумасшедший, безумный; рассерженный) and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves (вы, мужчины, должны стыдится самих себя). I created you in my image (я создал вас по своему образу), and you were all whipped by your mates (вашими супругами). Look at the only one of my sons (посмотрите на всего лишь одного из моих сыновей) that stood up and made me proud (который был на высоте, выстоял и "сделал меня гордым" /to stand-stood-stood/; to stand up — вставать; оказываться прочным), learn from him! (учитесь у него) Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? (скажи им, сын мой, как ты ухитрился быть единственным в этом ряду)"

The man said, "I don't know (я не знаю). My wife told me to stand here (моя жена сказала мне встать здесь /to tell-told-told/)."


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."


You should be ashamed of yourself.

Learn from him!


While sports fishing off the Florida coast (во время спортивной рыбалки у побережья Флориды), a tourist capsized his boat (турист опрокинул лодку). He could swim (он умел плавать /can-could/), but his fear of alligators (но его боязнь крокодилов) kept him clinging to the overturned craft (заставляла его держаться за перевернутую посудину; craft — судно).

Spotting an old beachcomber (заметив старого бродягу: beach — пляж + to comb — чесать; beachcomber — житель тихоокеанских островов, зарабатывающий на жизнь добыванием жемчуга и подобными вещами) standing on the shore (стоящего на берегу), the tourist shouted (закричал),"Are there any gators around here?! (здесь есть крокодилы)"

"Naw (не-е)," the man hollered back (откликнулся; to holler — орать), "they ain't been around for years! (их нет здесь уже годы; ain’t = have not, are not, is not)"

Feeling safe (почувствовав себя в безопасности), the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore (начал плыть расслабленно по направлению к берегу).

About halfway there (на полпути туда) he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators? (как вы избавились от крокодилов)"

"We didn't do nothin' (мы ничего не делали)," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em (акулы их съели)."


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."


How'd you get rid of the gators?


An avid duck hunter (заядлый: «страстный, жадный» охотник на уток) was in the market for a new bird dog (пришел был в магазин за новой собакой для охоты /на птицу/). His search ended (его поиск окончился; to search — искать, просматривать) when he found a dog (когда он нашел собаку /to find-found-found/) that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck (которая могла фактически идти по воде для того, чтобы достать утку; to retrieve — извлекать, вынимать; доставать и приносить охотнику дичь).

Shocked by his find (потрясенный своей находкой), he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him (он был уверен, что никто из его друзей никогда не поверит ему).

He decided to try (он решил попробовать) to break the news (поделиться новостью) to a friend of his (со своим другом), the eternal pessimist (вечным пессимистом) who refused to be impressed with anything (который отказывался "быть впечатленным", поражаться чему-либо). This, surely, would impress him (это, конечно, его впечатлит). He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog (он пригласил его поохотиться с ним и с его новой собакой).

As they waited by the shore (когда они ждали на берегу), a flock of ducks flew by (стая уток пролетела мимо /to fly-flew-flown/). They fired, and a duck fell (они выстрелили, и утка упала /to fall-fell-fallen/). The dog responded (среагировала; to respond — отвечать, реагировать) and jumped into the water (прыгнула в воду). The dog, however (однако), did not sink (не погрузилась /to sink-sank-sunk/) but instead (вместо этого) walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet (не намочив ничего, кроме лап). This continued all day long (это продолжалось весь день); each time (каждый раз) a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface (по поверхности) of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully (наблюдал внимательно), saw everything (видел все), but did not say a single word (но не сказал ни единого слова).

On the drive home (по пути /в машине/ домой) the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? (ты заметил что-нибудь необычное в моем новом псе)"

"I sure did (конечно, да)," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim (он не умеет плавать)."


An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."


Did you notice anything unusual about it?


Tom was so excited (был так взволнован) about his promotion (по поводу своего продвижения по службе) to Vice President (до вице-президента) of the company he worked for (компании, в которой он работал) and kept bragging (продолжал хвастаться) about it (этим: «об этом») to his wife (своей жене) for weeks (недели напролет).

Finally (наконец) she couldn't take it any longer (она не могла терпеть, выносить это дольше), and told him (и сказала ему /to tell-told-told/), "Listen (послушай), it means nothing (это ничего не значит), they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! («у них» есть даже главный (вице-президент) по гороху в продуктовом магазине)."

"Really? (правда)" he said (сказал он /to say-said-said/). Not sure if this was true or not (неуверенный в том, правда это или нет), Tom decided to call (решил позвонить) the grocery store.

A clerk answers (секретарь отвечает) and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? (пожалуйста, могу я поговорить с вице-президентом по гороху)"

The clerk replies (отвечает), "Canned or frozen? (консервированному или замороженному; to freeze — замораживать)"


Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"


Listen, it means nothing.

Really?

Can I please talk to the Vice President?


Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем).

One said to the other (один сказал другому), "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."

So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/)," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе). I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь)."

The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take-took-taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go-went-gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of (из-за) intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face (на свое лицо) and said, "Take your shovel (возьми лопату) and hit my hand."


Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."


What do you mean?


Three Englishmen were in a bar (три англичанина были в баре) and spotted an Irishman (заметили ирландца). So, one of the Englishmen walked over (один из англичан подошел) to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder (хлопнул его по плечу), and said, "Hey, I hear (я слышу) your St. Patrick was a drunken loser (был пьяница-неудачник; to lose — терять; проигрывать)."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that (правда? Я этого не знал)."

Puzzled (озадаченный), the Englishman walked back to his buddies (вернулся к приятелям). "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care (а его это не задело; ему было все равно; to care — заботиться, волноваться)."

The second Englishman remarked (заметил), "You just don't know how to set him off… (ты просто не знаешь как вывести его из себя) watch and learn (смотри и учись)." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying (был лживым), idiotic (идиотичным), low-life scum! (нищим, влачащим жалкое существование мерзавцем; scum — пена, подонок)"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief (невероятно потрясенный: beyond — за пределом; belief — вера), the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right (ты прав). He's unshakable! (он не "потрясаем"; его не расшевелить; to shake — трясти, встряхивать)"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys (парни), I'll really tick him off… just watch (я действительно его "заведу"… только смотрите)." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying (пытались) to tell me."


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off… watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off… just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."


Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Watch and learn!

You're right.


A visitor from Holland (гость из Голландии) was chatting with his American friend (беседовал со своим американским другом) and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag (и шутя объяснял "о" красном, белом и голубом на флаге Нидерландов).

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes (наш флаг символизирует наши налоги)," he said. "We get red when we talk about them (мы краснеем, когда говорим о них), white when we get our tax bill (белеем, когда получаем налоговую квитанцию), and blue after we pay them (и синеем; становимся грустными после того, как их заплатим — игра слов: blue — синий, голубой и blue — грустный, печальный)."

"That's the same with us (то же и с нами)," the American said, "only we see stars, too (только мы еще видим звезды; сравните: I saw stars = у меня звезды посыпались из глаз)."


A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."


A family was visiting an Indian reservation (семья посещала индейскую резервацию) when they happen upon an old tribesman (когда они случайно натыкаются на старика из племени; tribe — племя) laying face down in the middle оf the road (лежащего лицом вниз посреди дороги) with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop (с ухом, крепко прижатым к асфальту; blacktop — щебеночно-асфальтовое покрытие).

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing (отец семейства спросил старика, что он делает).

The tribesman began to speak… (начал говорить /to begin-began-begun/) "woman (женщина), late thirties (под сорок лет), three kids (трое детей), one barking dog (лающая собака) in late model, four door station wagon (в четырехдверном фургоне последней модели), traveling at 65 m.p.h (едущим со скоростью 65 миль в час)."

"That's amazing! (невероятно)" exclaimed (воскликнул) the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground? (вы можете все это сказать, просто слушая землю)"

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago! (они просто переехали меня пять минут назад)"


A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak…"woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"


That's amazing!


A prominent Polish scientist (выдающийся польский ученый) conducted very important experiment (проводил очень важный эксперимент; experiment [?ks?per?ment]). He trained a flea to jump (он учил блоху прыгать) upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!" (давая ей устную команду — "прыжок")

In a first stage (на первой стадии) of experiment he removed flea's leg (удалил блошиную лапку), told (сказал /to tell-told-told/) her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook (записал в своей "научной" тетрадке) "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly (после удаления одной лапки все блошиные органы функционируют должным образом)."

So, he removed the second (вторую) leg, asked (попросил, скомандовал) the flea to jump, she obeyed (подчинилась), so he wrote again (снова): "Upon removing the second (второй) leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter (после этого) he removed all the legs but one (все лапки, кроме одной), the flea jumped when ordered (когда ей было приказано), so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next (следующей) leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last (последнюю) leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened (ничего не произошло). He did not want (он не хотел) to take a chance (полагаться на случай), so he repeated (повторил) the experiment several times (несколько раз), and the legless (безногая) flea never (никогда = вовсе не) jumped. So he wrote the conclusion (вывод): "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing (теряет слух: "чувство слуха")."


A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!"

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."


The Irish girl knelt (ирландская девушка стала на колени /to kneel-knelt-knelt/) in the confessional (на исповеди: «в исповедальне»; to confess — признавать/ся/; исповедовать/ся/) and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned (благословите меня = отпустите грехи, отче, ибо я согрешила)."

"What is it ("что это" = что ты сделала, что случилось), child? (дитя)"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity (я совершила грех тщеславия). Twice a day (дважды в день) I gaze at myself in the mirror (я разглядываю себя в зеркало; to gaze — пристально глядеть) and tell myself how beautiful I am (и говорю себе, как я прекрасна)."

The priest turned (священник повернулся), took a good look (внимательно посмотрел: "взял хороший взгляд" /to take-took-taken/) at the girl, and said, "My dear (моя дорогая), I have good news (у меня хорошие новости). That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake (это не грех — это только ошибка)."


The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake."


What is it?


An aged farmer and his wife (фермер в возрасте и его жена) were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen (стояли, прислонившись к краю их свинарника; pen — небольшой загон для скота) when the old woman wistfully recalled (когда старая женщина грустно = с грустью вспомнила) that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary (что на следующей неделе будет золотая годовщина их свадьбы; to mark — выделять, отмечать).

"Let's have a party, Homer (давай устроим вечеринку, Гомер)," she suggested (она предложила). "Let's kill a pig (давай убьем = зарежем свинью)."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head (поскреб свою седую голову). "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered ("Но Этель", он наконец ответил), "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago (я не понимаю, почему свинья должна расплачиваться: "взять вину” за то, что случилось 50 лет назад)."


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."


Let's have a party.


A man is driving down a country road (человек едет по проселочной дороге), when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass (когда он замечает фермера, стоящего посреди большого поля травы). He pulls the car over to the side of the road (он направляет машину к обочине дороги) and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing (и замечает, что фермер просто стоит там, не делая ничего, смотря "ни на что").

The man gets out of the car (выходит из машины), walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him (проходит весь путь к фермеру = доходит до фермера, подходит прямо к фермеру и спрашивает его), "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? (простите, мистер, но что вы делаете)"

The farmer replies (отвечает), "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize (я пытаюсь получить Нобелевскую премию; to win — выиграть)."

"How? (как)" asks the man, puzzled (озадаченный).

"Well, I heard they give (ну, я слышал /to hear-heard-heard/, что дают) the Nobel Prize … to people who are out standing in their field (игра слов: out standing — стоящий "снаружи", "на улице" и outstanding — выдающийся; field: 1) поле, 2) область /знаний, деятельности и т.д./)".


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation (техасский фермер едет в Австралию в отпуск). There he meets an Aussie farmer (там он встречает австралийского фермера) and gets talking (и начинает разговаривать). The Aussie shows off (показывает, хвастается) his big wheat field (своим большим пшеничным полем) and the Texan says (говорит), "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large (у нас пшеничные поля, по крайней мере, вдвое больше)."

Then they walk around the ranch a little (потом они немного проходят по ферме) and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle (свое стадо скота). The Texan immediately (тут же) says, "We have longhorns (- порода коров, первоначально разводившаяся в Англии, теперь преимущественно в США, в юго-западных штатах: long — длинный + horn — рог) that are at least twice as large as your cows (по крайней мере, вдвое больше твоих коров)."

The conversation (беседа) has, meanwhile (к тому времени), almost died (почти угасла) when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos (стадо кенгуру) hopping through the field (прыгающих через поле). He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look (с недоверчивым взглядом; incredulous [?n?kredjul?s]), "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas? (Разве у вас в Техасе нет кузнечиков)"


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.


A bus load of politicians (автобус, полный политиков; load — груз; to load — грузить) were driving down a country road one afternoon (ехали по сельской дороге однажды после полудня), when all of a sudden (когда вдруг), the bus ran off the road (съехал с дороги /to run-ran-run/) and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field (и врезался в дерево на поле старого фермера).

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate (видя, что случилось, старый фермер подошел "исследовать" /to go-went-gone/). He then proceeded (затем он принялся; proceed [pr??si:d]) to dig a hole and bury the politicians (рыть яму и хоронить политиков).

A few days later (несколько дней спустя), the local sheriff (местный шериф) came out (появился, выехал на место происшествия), saw the crashed bus (увидел врезавшийся автобус /to see-saw-seen/), and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? (они все были мертвы)"

The old farmer replied (ответил), "Well, some of them said they weren't (ну, некоторые из них сказали, что нет = что не были), but you know (но вы знаете) how them politicians lie (как врут эти политики)."


A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


But you know how them politicians lie.


Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday (дедушка отмечал свой 100-й день рождения) and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared (и каждый делал ему комплименты по поводу того, каким спортивным и хорошо сохранившимся он предстал; to appear — появляться, оказываться).

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success (господа, я скажу вам секрет моего успеха)," he cackled (прокудахтал). "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now (я был на открытом воздухе день за днем вот уже около 75 лет)."

The celebrants (собравшиеся гости: «празднующие») were impressed (были впечатлены) and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime (как он сумел сохранить такой строгий режим занятий зарядкой, спортом; fitness — пригодность; хорошая форма).

"Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago (видите ли, моя жена и я поженились 75 лет назад). On our wedding night (в нашу брачную ночь), we made a solemn pledge (мы дали торжественное обещание; pledge — обет, обещание). Whenever we had a fight (когда бы мы ни поссорились; fight — бой; спор, ссора), the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk (тот, кто окажется: «будет доказан» неправым, выходит из дому прогуляться)."


Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."


I’ll take a walk.


It was three o'clock in the morning (было три часа утра), and the receptionist (дежурная, портье) at a posh hotel (в шикарном отеле) was just dozing off (дремала, засыпала), when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming (когда маленькая старушка подбежала к ней, крича). "Please come quickly! (пожалуйста, идите быстрее)" she yelled (она вопила), "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!! (я только что видела голого мужчину за своим окном /to see-saw-seen/)"

The receptionist immediately (немедленно) rushed up (помчалась наверх) to the old lady's room (в комнату старой леди).

"Where is he? (где он)" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there (он вон там)," replied (ответила) the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel (показывая на жилой дом напротив отеля). The receptionist looked over (поглядела туда) and could see a man with no shirt on (и "смогла увидеть" мужчину без рубашки), moving around his apartment (передвигающегося по своей квартире).

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed (это, вероятно, человек, готовящийся пойти спать: «в кровать»)," she said reassuringly (она сказала успокаивающе). "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up? (а как вы узнали, что он голый, вы можете видеть его только выше пояса)"

"The dresser, honey! (туалетный столик, дорогая)" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser! (попробуйте встать на туалетный столик)"


It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"


I’m going to bed.


An airline captain (командир самолета) was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess (обучал очень хорошенькую блондинку — новую стюардессу; to break in — дрессировать, укрощать; дисциплинировать). The route they were flying (маршрут, по которому они летели) had a stay-over in another city (имел остановку в другом городе), so upon their arrival (так что, по их прибытии), the captain showed (показал) the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat (лучшее место для персонала, где поесть), shop (сделать покупки) and stay overnight (и остановиться на ночь).

The next morning (на следующее утро) as the pilot was preparing the crew (когда пилот готовил экипаж) for the day's route (к дневному маршруту), he noticed (заметил) the new stewardess was missing (не хватает новой стюардессы). He knew which room she was in at the hotel (он знал, в каком номере она была /to know-knew-known/) and called her up (позвонил ей) wondering what happened to her (недоумевая, что с ней случилось).

She answered the phone (она взяла трубку: «ответила по телефону»), sobbing (всхлипывая), and said she couldn't get out of her room (и сказала, что не может выйти из своего номера).

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not? ("почему нет")"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here (здесь только три двери)," she cried (плакала), "one is the bathroom (одна — ванная), one is the closet (одна - /стенной/ шкаф), and one has a sign on it that says (а на одной вывеска, табличка, которая гласит),

'Do Not Disturb'! (не беспокоить)"


An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says,

'Do Not Disturb'!"


Do Not Disturb!


A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work (молодой человек, нанятый супермаркетом, явился для своего первого дня работы; to report — доложить, рапортовать; явиться, предстать). The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile (менеджер встретил его теплым рукопожатием и улыбкой), gave him a broom (дал ему метлу) and said (и сказал), "Your first job will be to sweep out the store (твое первое задание будет подмести в магазине)."

"But I'm a college graduate (но я выпускник колледжа)," the young man replied indignantly (ответил возмущенно).

"Oh, I'm sorry (сожалею). I didn't know that (я этого не знал)," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom (давай-ка мне сюда метлу) - I'll show you how (я покажу тебе, как)."


A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom — I'll show you how."


Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

I'll show you how.


Little Susan was mother's helper (крошка Сьюзан была маминой помощницей). She helped to set the table (она помогала накрывать на стол) when company was due for dinner (должны были обедать). Presently everything was on (вскоре все было на /столе/), the guest came in (вошел гость), and everyone sat down (и все сели /to sit-sat-sat/). Then mother noticed (заметила) something was missing (чего-то недостает).

"Susan," she said (сказала), "You didn't put a knife and fork (ты не положила нож и вилку) at Mr. Smith's place (на место мистера Смита)."

"I thought he wouldn't need them (я подумала, они не будут ему нужны)," explained (объяснила) Susan. "Daddy (папа) says he always eats like a horse! (он всегда ест, как лошадь)"


Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped to set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"


Something is missing.


A blonde was walking along a river (блондинка шла вдоль реки) when she noticed (когда она заметила) another (другую) blonde on the opposite bank (на противоположном берегу).

She yells (она кричит), " How do I get to the other side of the river? (как мне попасть на другую сторону реки)"

The second (вторая) blonde replies (отвечает), "You are on the other side… (ты на другой стороне)"


A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank.

She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side…"


How do I get to the other side of the river?


Two women were in a hair salon (две женщины были в парикмахерской) talking about their home lives (разговаривая о своих домашних "жизнях") when the subject of flighty husbands came up (когда возникла тема ветреных мужей).

"It's unbelievable (это невероятно)," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night (я никогда не могу разгадать, куда он ходит ночью, вечером)."

"I know exactly what you mean (я в точности знаю, что ты имеешь в виду)," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house (в одно мгновенье он дома), and the next he's gone without a trace (а в следующее он исчез без следа)."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby (подслушивающая рядом). "I always know where my husband is (я всегда знаю, где мой муж)."

"How do you manage that? (как вам это удается)" the other two women ask (спрашивают).

"Easy (легко)," she replies (отвечает). "I'm a widow (я вдова)."


Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.

"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."

"How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.

"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."


It's unbelievable!

I know exactly what you mean.

How do you manage that?


When I was a youngster (когда я был юнцом)," complained the frustrated father (жаловался расстроенный отец), "I was disciplined (я был наказываем; disciplin [?d?s?pl?n]) by being sent to my room without supper ("отсыланием", тем, что меня отсылали в мою комнату без ужина /to send-sent-sent/). But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player (но у моего сына есть его собственный цветной телевизор, телефон, компьютер, и СD плеер)."

"So what do you do? (и что же ты делаешь)" asked his friend (спросил его друг).

"I send him to MY room! (я посылаю его в мою комнату)"


When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"


So what do you do?


A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant (посетитель надоедал официанту в ресторане). First (во-первых), he asked that the air conditioning be turned up (он попросил увеличить работу кондиционера; to turn — поворачивать) because he was too hot (потому что ему было слишком жарко), then he asked it be turned down (уменьшить) ‘cause he was too cold (слишком холодно), and so on for about half an hour (и так /продолжалось/ около получаса).

Surprisingly (неожиданно; вопреки ожиданиям; to surprise — поражать, удивлять), the waiter was very patient (официант был очень терпеливым; patient [?pe??(?)nt]), he walked back and forth (он ходил взад-вперед) and never once got angry (и ни разу не разозлился: "не стал сердитым"). So finally (в конце концов), a second customer asked him (другой: "второй" посетитель спросил его) why he didn't throw out the pest (почему он не выгонит: «не выбросит» этого зануду; pest — мор, чума; бич, язва).

"Oh, I really don't care or mind (о, я совершенно не беспокоюсь и не забочусь)," said the waiter with a smile (с улыбкой). "We don't even have an air conditioner (у нас вообще: "даже" нет кондиционера)."


A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down ‘cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."


Oh, I really don't care or mind.


A man visits his aunt in the nursing home (человек навещает свою тетушку в доме для престарелых; to nurse - нянчить; ухаживать за больным). It turns out that she is taking a nap (при этом оказывается, что она дремлет; nap — короткий сон, дремота), so he just sits down in a chair in her room (так что он просто садится на стул в ее комнате), flips through a few magazines (просматривает несколько журналов; to flip — щелкать, ударять слегка; смахнуть /пепел с сигареты/), and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table (жует понемногу арахис, находящийся в вазочке на столе).

Eventually (наконец), the aunt wakes up (тетушка просыпается), and her nephew realizes (и ее племянник понимает) he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl (он по рассеянности прикончил целую вазочку; absent — отсутствующий; mind — ум).

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! (извините, тетушка, я съел весь ваш арахис)"

"That's okay, dearie (все нормально, дорогой)," the aunt replied (ответила). "After I've sucked the chocolate off (после того, как я обсосала шоколад), I don't care for them anyway (меня они все равно не интересуют)."


A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."


I’ll take a nap.


A man walks into a bar (человек входит в бар) and asks the bartender (и спрашивает бармена), "If I show you a really good trick, (если я покажу тебе действительно классный фокус), will you give me a free drink? (ты дашь мне бесплатную выпивку)"

The bartender considers it (обдумывает это), then agrees (затем соглашается). The man reaches into his pocket (лезет в свой карман) and pulls out a tiny rat (вытаскивает крошечную крысу). He reaches into his other pocket (в другой карман) and pulls out a tiny piano (пианино). The rat stretches (вытягивается), cracks his knuckles (щелкает суставами пальцев), and proceeds to play the blues (принимается играть блюз).

After (после того, как) the man finished (закончил) his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better ("даже лучше") trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? (весь оставшийся вечер)"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first (думая, что ни один фокус не может быть лучше первого). The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog (лягушку), who (кто; которая) begins (начинает) to sing along (подпевать) with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying (наслаждается) his beverages (напитки; beverage [?bev?r?d?]), a stranger (незнакомец) confronts ("встает напротив") him and offers (предлагает) him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies (отвечает), "he's not for sale (она не для продажи)."

The stranger increases (увеличивает) the offer to $250,000.00 cash (наличными). "No," he insists (настаивает), "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally (наконец) agrees, and turns the frog over (и передает лягушку) to the stranger in exchange for the money (в обмен на деньги).

"Are you insane? (вы ненормальный)" the bartender demanded (спрашивает). "That frog could have been worth millions to you (могла бы принести вам миллионы; worth - стоящий, имеющий ценность), and you let him go for a mere (а вы отдали ее всего-то за) $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it (не волнуйтесь "об этом")," the man answered (ответил). "The frog was really nothing special (лягушка не была чем-то особенным). You see (видите ли), the rat's a ventriloquist (чревовещательница)."


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the frog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


Don't worry about it.


A man is in a bar (человек в баре) and falling off his stool (падает со стула) every couple of minutes (каждые две минуты). He is obviously (явно, очевидно) drunk (пьян). So (поэтому) the bartender says to another man in the bar (говорит другому человеку в баре): "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home (почему бы тебе не быть добрым самаритянином и не отвести его домой)."

The man takes the drunk out the door (выводит пьяного за дверь) and to his car (к его машине) and he stumbles (спотыкается) at least ten times (по крайней мере десять раз). They drive along (едут) and the drunk points out (показывает, указывает на) his house (его дом) to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps (спотыкаясь, поднимается по лестнице) to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife (жена) greets (встречает) them at the door: "Why (здесь: что ж), thank you for bringing him (спасибо, что привели его) home for me, but where is his wheel chair? (но где же его инвалидное кресло)"


A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"


Take him home, please.


A serious drunk (сильно пьяный) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) and, after staring for some time (после некоторого времени пристального смотрения) at the only woman seated at the bar (на единственную женщину, сидевшую в баре; to seat — сидеть, усесться), walked over (подошел) to her and kissed her (поцеловал). She jumped up (вскочила) and slapped him (ударила, дала пощечину; slap — пощечина, шлепок). He immediately (немедленно, тут же) apologized (извинился) and explained (объяснил), "I'm sorry (простите). I thought (я думал) you were my wife (вы моя жена). You look exactly like her (вы выглядите в точности как она)."

"Why you worthless (никчемный; worth — ценность, стоимость), insufferable (невыносимый, невозможный; to suffer — страдать; терпеть, сносить), wretched (жалкий), no good drunk! (негодный пьяница)" she screamed (завопила, закричала).

"Funny (забавно)," he muttered (пробормотал), "you even sound exactly like her (вы даже "звучите" точно как она)."


A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."


I'm sorry.

You look exactly like her.

Funny.


Two guys were in a bar (два парня были в баре), and they were both watching the television (оба смотрели телевизор) when the news came on (когда начались новости /to come-came-come — приходить/). It showed (показали) a guy on a bridge (парня на мосту) who was about to jump (который собирался прыгнуть), obviously suicidal (очевидно самоубийца; suicidal — самоубийственный [sju??sa?dl]; suicide — самоубийство).

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump (ставлю 10 долларов — он прыгнет; to bet — держать пари)," said the first guy (сказал первый).

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy (ставлю 10 долларов — он этого не сделает).

Then (затем, потом), the guy on the television closed his eyes (закрыл глаза) and threw himself off the bridge (бросился с моста /to throw-threw-thrown — бросать, кидать/). The second guy hands (вручает, передает) the first guy the money (деньги).

"I can't take your money (я не могу взять /твои/ деньги)," said the first guy. "I cheated you (я надул тебя). The same story (та же самая история) was on the five o'clock news (была в пятичасовых новостях)."

"No, no. Take it (нет-нет, возьми /их/)," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too (я тоже видел пятичасовые новости). I just didn't think (просто я не думал) the guy was dumb enough (настолько туп) to jump again! (чтобы прыгнуть снова)"


Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"


I'll bet you $10 he'll jump.


A circus owner (владелец цирка) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) to see (посмотреть, увидеть; здесь: и увидел) everyone crowded about a table (все столпились около стола) watching a little show (наблюдая маленькое шоу). On the table (на столе) was an upside down pot (был перевернутый горшок) and a duck tap dancing on it (утка, отбивающая чечетку на нем; tap — легкий стук, слабый удар; подметка, набойка на каблуке; чечетка). The circus owner was so impressed (был настолько впечатлен) that he offered (предложил) to buy the duck from its owner (купить утку у ее владельца). After some wheeling and dealing (после делового разговора; to wheel and deal — обделывать делишки, судить-рядить) they settled for $10,000 (они сошлись на 10000$; to settle — устанавливать) for the duck and the pot (за утку и горшок).

Three days later (три дня спустя) the circus owner runs back (прибегает назад) to the bar in anger (в гневе), "Your duck is a ripoff! (совершенно негодная: «бросовая вещь»; to rip — разрезать, отрывать; to rip off — сдирать) I put (я поставил /to put-put-put — класть, ставить/) him on the pot before a whole audience (перед всей публикой; audience [??:dj?ns]), and he didn't dance a single step! (совсем не танцевала; не сделала ни единого шага)"

"So? (так, здесь: да?)" asked (спросил) the duck’s former (прежний) owner, "did you remember (вы не забыли; to remember — помнить) to light the candle under the pot? (зажечь свечу под горшком)"



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